Post: #1

I know what my problem is and I just don't know how to overcome it. My problem is gathering up enough courage to go up to a girl that I see out, don't know and simply get her number and go from there.

I just simply wait around for girls to come to me magically...which does happen every so often, or wait for a simple circumstance of meeting a girl through friends or hanging out and going further through facebook,etc

It was much easier for me to approach girls when I was abroad and have success because i'm simply not around a bunch of people I know or even really mostly speak my language so I could care less, plus they like me much more there because I stand out for being american.

Here in my area...everyone knows everyone, and honestly its more about rep because these kids have no game and losers and have hot girls all over them...away from home they wouldnt get any girls......when I go out of the city/abroad I seem to get more girls liking me idk why.

I know what I need to do, and just stop caring....do it, but what else can I do so after I do go for it and do it....I'm not boring her or stalling conversation? I'm not sure if Day Bang would really help me get over this hole in the road

Post: #2

Sounds like part of your problem is small town syndrome, everyone knows everyone so you're the stranger, I can relate because where I live now is like that. Every bar is fucking high school reunion, its sickening. I'd recommend online dating. Use that as a tool to just get dates, use those dates to polish your social skills. Its nowhere near the same as approaching a random chick in a club/bar but it helps you realize 99% of women are just dumb bitches.

Chef In Jeans
A culinary website for men

Post: #3

I can tell you right now there is absolutely no piece of advice that can assist in overcoming this fear of approaching. You have to JUST DO IT. Day Bang just gives you a rough template to follow, but ultimately it is on YOU to approach and JUST DO IT. You are gonna suck at first. I can almost guarantee that. But you have to get over it and just start approaching. With enough time approaching, you will have much more control over your fear.

Post: #4

Op Im in the same boat in my small college town..just stop giving a flying Fuck what anyone thinks of you and be more social but be sincere about it and the same girls will see your change and some will put out..on the low these girls probably like you but since your not in the in crowd they won't give you any play until you change and oh yea hit the gym I'm addicted to working out now the adrenaline rush is non other..morning workouts are crack

Post: #5

Have you tried day game yet? Just go plop down next to a girl in a coffee shop/internet cafe and start with the idle BS chit chat.

As far as approaching at the bar, most of my 'approaches' aren't really approaches. I don't like giving a girl the power to blow me off by walking up to her and her friends, instead I plant myself in a high traffic area, or up at the bar in the dives I frequent. That way, she inevitably has to come by you. Half the work is already done, now all you have to do is speak.

Your other option (if possible) is to sit at an empty table next to some attractive girls. Obviously this only works if you have at least one friend with you, and there's an open spot. Then you can just pick your spot and interrupt their conversation.

Post: #6

This topic and similar to it have been covered extensively. Here is a recent good thread.

Nevertheless, I can add that no amount of theory or mental masturbation will make you overcome this fear, only gathered experience can do so, and you just have to start somewhere.

Like now.

Gradually you start to realise that girls aren't fearful creatures that are out there to demean you. They are as varied as it comes, and there are decent ones out there also. People with intense fear of approaching usually create this frightful image on their heads of how a girl will react, and when you rack up enough experience, you realise that it is only rarely that they will give you shyt for approaching them.

99% of the fear is of your own creation and projection.

Most bitches don't bite (unless you ask them to!)

Realise that most of your fear is of your own doing, and gently test the waters by saying something to a girl. Realise that every situation will be different, and probably less painful than you expected. The most important is to act and gather experience until it becomes easy.

Post: #7

(02-12-2012 04:08 AM)alchemist88 Wrote:  I know what my problem is and I just don't know how to overcome it. My problem is gathering up enough courage to go up to a girl that I see out, don't know and simply get her number and go from there.

I just simply wait around for girls to come to me magically...which does happen every so often, or wait for a simple circumstance of meeting a girl through friends or hanging out and going further through facebook,etc

It was much easier for me to approach girls when I was abroad and have success because i'm simply not around a bunch of people I know or even really mostly speak my language so I could care less, plus they like me much more there because I stand out for being american.

Here in my area...everyone knows everyone, and honestly its more about rep because these kids have no game and losers and have hot girls all over them...away from home they wouldnt get any girls......when I go out of the city/abroad I seem to get more girls liking me idk why.

I know what I need to do, and just stop caring....do it, but what else can I do so after I do go for it and do it....I'm not boring her or stalling conversation? I'm not sure if Day Bang would really help me get over this hole in the road

I have very low AA, but even so I found Roosh's advice of imagining you've already been rejected to be very effective.

Post: #8

Hello all,
I find that not thinking about the approach helps me not stress. So, all you have to do is go to her and let your mind freestyle. When it comes to your hometown, no big worries, screw the losers that have no game and approach the girls you like: it is the only way of learning more and meeting hot women. Remember: "girls reward aggressive guys who want to have sex with them, not timid guys who wait for pussy to fall from the sky" (Roosh, Bang)

Post: #9

The only real way to get over approach anxiety is just to start doing it and keep doing it often.

The more you approach, the more accustomed to it your brain becomes and it will generate less anxiety.

Just view it as play (we do call it Game after all) and try not to take it so seriously

Believe me, if you do 10 approaches in a day and get rejected 10 times, you will feel much better about yourself at the end of the day than if you chickened out and avoided all rejection.

Post: #10

Go somewhere where nobody knows you for a day, and approach as many women as you can. Get blown or get blown out.

Then go back to your town "where everybody knows each other" (but you) and use your new found confidence to approach the groups that interest you.

"Hey, my name is David, I believe we havnt met yet. Hi. So, are you friends with XXXX? Do you go to school here? How do you know each other? Cool. See you later"

Post: #11

(02-18-2012 07:15 AM)germanico Wrote:  Go somewhere where nobody knows you for a day, and approach as many women as you can. Get blown or get blown out.

Then go back to your town and use your new found confidence to approach the groups that interest you.

Sorry but how does getting blown out and rejected over and over again equal "new found confidence" ??? If anything you end up feeling even worse and with even lower confidence than before.

Which brings me to catch 22 scenario, to have confidence you gotta have some success, to have some success you gotta have confidence (among other things).

Post: #12

(02-19-2012 05:40 AM)LostSoul Wrote:  Sorry but how does getting blown out and rejected over and over again equal "new found confidence" ??? If anything you end up feeling even worse and with even lower confidence than before.

Which brings me to catch 22 scenario, to have confidence you gotta have some success, to have some success you gotta have confidence (among other things).

Because if you have the right mentality, getting blown out doesn't hurt. If you do it to have fun, experiment and push yourself, you either end up with a good interaction or a good story. The worst rejection you get almost certainly won't be proportional to the amount of fear you have of approaching. Success isn't that a girl falls in love with you. Success is the discovery that after approaches you don't [die/collapse/become permanently socially ostracized].

To give an example, I used to hate having deep, dark water beneath me. After putting myself in that situation a number of times, just to allow the terror to wash over me, I didn't die and I began to actually appreciate the terror for what it was - an exciting sensation. My success wasn't that the deep, dark water became shallow and light, it was that I accepted that swimming above it didn't mean certain death. The fear, which I still have to some extent, is a sensation I can live with.

Post: #13

(02-19-2012 05:40 AM)LostSoul Wrote:  

(02-18-2012 07:15 AM)germanico Wrote:  Go somewhere where nobody knows you for a day, and approach as many women as you can. Get blown or get blown out.

Then go back to your town and use your new found confidence to approach the groups that interest you.

Sorry but how does getting blown out and rejected over and over again equal "new found confidence" ??? If anything you end up feeling even worse and with even lower confidence than before.

Which brings me to catch 22 scenario, to have confidence you gotta have some success, to have some success you gotta have confidence (among other things).

You won't get success if you don't try. And trying means getting it wrong every so often. And if you are starting out, it will be very often. Thus, getting rejected is almost inevitable.

And thus getting rejected is how you learn how to get it right. And you learn how to develop thicker skin and laugh at yourself and your own mistakes. Rejection builds character, makes your testicles grow in size and teaches you how to playfully not give a f*ck.

In the end, rejection stops being "rejection" ie FAIL and becomes more like screening, more like an exercise, an experiment, where you just practice and strengthen your "social muscles".

You feel worse only because you still haven't undergone the process, the "pain period" that preceeds success.

Keep on with getting rejected and -trying-! TRUE, REAL confidence can only be built through lived experience.

Post: #14

(02-19-2012 06:45 PM)Amour Fou Wrote:  

(02-19-2012 05:40 AM)LostSoul Wrote:  

(02-18-2012 07:15 AM)germanico Wrote:  Go somewhere where nobody knows you for a day, and approach as many women as you can. Get blown or get blown out.

Then go back to your town and use your new found confidence to approach the groups that interest you.

Sorry but how does getting blown out and rejected over and over again equal "new found confidence" ??? If anything you end up feeling even worse and with even lower confidence than before.

Which brings me to catch 22 scenario, to have confidence you gotta have some success, to have some success you gotta have confidence (among other things).

You won't get success if you don't try. And trying means getting it wrong every so often. And if you are starting out, it will be very often. Thus, getting rejected is almost inevitable.

And thus getting rejected is how you learn how to get it right. And you learn how to develop thicker skin and laugh at yourself and your own mistakes. Rejection builds character, makes your testicles grow in size and teaches you how to playfully not give a f*ck.

In the end, rejection stops being "rejection" ie FAIL and becomes more like screening, more like an exercise, an experiment, where you just practice and strengthen your "social muscles".

You feel worse only because you still haven't undergone the process, the "pain period" that preceeds success.

Keep on with getting rejected and -trying-! TRUE, REAL confidence can only be built through lived experience.

+1, and to add: when you start approaching en masse, you'll get lucky at some point, succeeding when your game is not top-notch; from this comes the confidence that makes your game better. It may be baby steps but every step counts.

I took Docter's 100 Approach Challenge recently just to sharpen my chops (mostly day game). It was amazing how after about 50 approaches the stress of the approach really went away and it became autonomous. I think I got 7 numbers from it, all but one of which came in the last 40 approaches.

There is some mythology built around the game community, that guys are picking up _Bang_ and getting laid every night of the week scarcely a month later. It's not usually like that, and though a lot of guys' lack of success is due to the fact that most guys don't have the strength to really make the necessary changes in their lives and minds, a lot of it is that it takes time to calibrate to your personality.

Post: #15

(02-19-2012 05:40 AM)LostSoul Wrote:  

(02-18-2012 07:15 AM)germanico Wrote:  Go somewhere where nobody knows you for a day, and approach as many women as you can. Get blown or get blown out.

Then go back to your town and use your new found confidence to approach the groups that interest you.

Sorry but how does getting blown out and rejected over and over again equal "new found confidence" ??? If anything you end up feeling even worse and with even lower confidence than before.

Which brings me to catch 22 scenario, to have confidence you gotta have some success, to have some success you gotta have confidence (among other things).

Best way to destroy that which causes you stress or anxiety is to be exposed to it many times. Rejection hurts nothing but the ego.

Post: #16

I have to be honest, the only thing that feels worse than being rejected is the feeling of disappointment after wussing out. The moments where I have hesitated too long, psyched myself out, and lost my window of opportunity -- these usually will haunt me for the rest of the day or even longer. The rejections sting, don't get me wrong, but as everyone else has already pointed out, your skin will start to thicken. More importantly, your comfort level with approaching will go up, and if you don't feel creepy or weird or awkward, neither will she. Whatever the case may be, don't let an opportunity roll past you; it is the absolute worst. If it ends poorly, so be it, you can at least pat yourself on the back for possessing courage. Wussing out just entails kicking yourself for the rest of the day.

Post: #17

(02-21-2012 12:43 AM)HawkUnit Wrote:  I have to be honest, the only thing that feels worse than being rejected is the feeling of disappointment after wussing out. The moments where I have hesitated too long, psyched myself out, and lost my window of opportunity -- these usually will haunt me for the rest of the day or even longer. The rejections sting, don't get me wrong, but as everyone else has already pointed out, your skin will start to thicken. More importantly, your comfort level with approaching will go up, and if you don't feel creepy or weird or awkward, neither will she. Whatever the case may be, don't let an opportunity roll past you; it is the absolute worst. If it ends poorly, so be it, you can at least pat yourself on the back for possessing courage. Wussing out just entails kicking yourself for the rest of the day.

+1

I've been fighting my AA and this works, the feeling after going back home without a single approach is devastating compared to getting rejected by a couple of dumb chicks.

Post: #18

The best way to deal with approach anxiety is not just to go and approach a lot of girls, but approach the girls that give you the most anxiety. Those are the ones that you want the most, and the only way you are going to get them is by acclimating yourself to them.

Might sound weird, but you need to train yourself- your subconscious/inner-game/etc. If you only approach low anxiety situations, you won't grow, and you will come off as incongruent when you open the more attractive girls.

At first, you are going to fail. It is going to be awkward and stressful. You are going to embarrass yourself. People will laugh at you. You might get thrown out of a few bars. This could happen a lot. But, if you don't go through with it, you'll never be able to get what you want.

Post: #19

Will vs. fear

On the topic of fear, I’m really glad I saw the Green Lantern movie. Out of the Superheroes I’ve always liked Spider-Man, Hulk, Wolverine etc. Green Lantern not as much. I don’t remember the exact words but there was a line in there that really spoke to me. It was something along the lines of:

”There are two fundamental forces in the universe; will and fear. Will represents what you want to do, fear is what’s stopping you from doing it”.

This can be applied to so much, it’s like the essence of life. More or less every instant in life present us with a choice to either do something coureageous or back out. By the time I saw the movie I had started approaching girls (sometime around maybe march/april), but I decided to continue to challenge my fears and not walk out every time an opportunity presented itself.

Besides approaching girls, another good way to expose yourself to fears is to speak in public. In the last 4-5 months I’ve talked in front of 50+ people at least three times, and in Spanish (which is my third language) at that. Except for approaching whenever I’m single, I intend to keep pushing myself to speak in public and imposing myself to others. I think it’s a very alpha thing to do.

2011 will go down in history as the year I finally conquered my AA fear and started doing what I had always wanted to do. I think I might have approached about 100 girls in total (before that, I had maybe approached 10 girls tops all my life). It was one of the best feelings in the world. Considering how much frustration and yes, pain even, my AA had caused me before, this was a revolutionary breakthrough of epic proportions in my life. Basically, except for this current self-chosen hiatus I’m in now, put me in ANY situation and challenge me to approach ANY girl, and I will do it. I still have other crippling fears to conquer though...